


Navy Blue with a Golden Spotlight

by IneffableDepression



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bittersweet, M/M, No Beta I Die Like The Illiterate I Am, as it tends to be with me, but its, but much more sweet than bitter dont worry, but not very graphic, i also have asterisks before and after so you can skip it, it's one paraph, maternal abuse, so its ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:15:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27606818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IneffableDepression/pseuds/IneffableDepression
Summary: When Janus was eight his world lost color.When Janus was sixteen his world started slowly gaining color again.(I know that I tagged this as Graphic Depictions of Violence because of the abuse from Janus' mother but it's not explicitly (in fact she doesn't even show up in the story she's just mentioned) described at all it's one paragraph that you may absolutely skip (its the third one and has asterisks before and after) so you can still enjoy the story without having to deal with all that) and as always if you want anything more tagged please please please tell me!!!! I will do so immediately!!)
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	Navy Blue with a Golden Spotlight

**Author's Note:**

> I am in a Loceit mood so alas here we are.

When Janus was six he remembers sitting next to his tiny window in his even tinier room and watching the sun set. It was magical to his simple young mind and he always wondered how someone could live their life without doing it. How they could go around day by day and not once stop and look at the sky and the colors all around them, how they weren't overcome with a love for the blue of the sky, or the yellows of the swarming bumblebees, or the greens of the trees. He never understood how they could just walk without paying attention to the majestic world around them. And he was certain that he would never be like that.

When Janus was eight his world lost color. Not all of it and not all at once but he no longer stopped to look at the sky or the bees or the trees. The colors were all still there, untouched, but they were muted, brought to an undistinguished shrouded tone. In their place sounds had taken a spotlight in Janus' life. Janus really wouldn't have minded all that much really, there were plenty of wonderful sounds in the world, the laughter of friends, wind chimes chiming, rain pouring. Yet the problem was that the sounds that prevailed in Janus’ life were those of his mother screaming angrily, his parents fighting and most of all, his own crying. All sounds that he did not enjoy. He thought it had all ended one day when his father sat on his bed and told him that his mother and him were getting a divorce which meant that they would live in separate places and Janus probably wouldn't see one of them as much as the other. "Can I go live with you?" Janus had asked hopefully and his father had smiled softly and sadly before answering "I hope baby, I really do" before kissing him on the head. Janus had thought at the time that perhaps he'd finally rid himself of the horrible sounds he had to listen to everyday. It turns out he was wrong. He saw his dad come home one day and start packing up his stuff. "Daddy," he'd said "are you taking me away?". He'd looked at him, tears in his eyes explaining something about a court decision that he didn't understand much about. But what he'd understood perfectly was when he'd said Janus had to stay with his mother. "Don't worry Jan, I'll never stop fighting for you." he'd said before leaving.

**********  
When Janus was ten he finally got away from his mother. It happened after one too many and one too serious of a trip to the emergency room. He’d been going to the ER often those days. Getting treated for injuries caused by his own mother, though he never told the doctors that. Broken arm? He’d slipped down the stairs. Body full of bruises? He fell off his bike. Malnutrition? He hadn’t been feeling hungry those days. There was always an excuse and it was never the truth. In fact the only thing he didn’t lie about was that he was in pain, he always was. And sometimes injuries cut too deep inside you to leave physical scars. One day however after a stranger found him passed out on the curb with five broken bones along with hundreds of cuts and bruises and brought him to the ER the nurses and doctors finally decided to do something, so they called child protective services and had them go to Janus’ house. The same house full of broken beer bottles, locked cabinets, and a tiny closet with a blanket and a pillow as Janus’ room. CPS immediately took Janus out of that home after charging his mother with domestic abuse among other things and sending her to jail. Afterwards they called his father who came running to take his son away. When he saw Janus he immediately peppered him with kisses and apologies for leaving between tears. And yes, Janus’ body hurt with every movement he took, but still he’d never been happier because finally, finally, his shackles were lifted.  
**********

When Janus was thirteen he had loved a grand total of three times. Everyone he'd loved was different in every way imaginable, from their style to their personality to even their gender. There were absolutely no constants between them. None except one. He loved them. And it made Janus realize that the constant when he falls in love is not with the people he loves, but with him, because every single time, he loved with every fiber of his being, every strand of his hair, every pore of his skin, every piece of his soul and anything that had ever crossed his path had been engraved with his love for centuries to come. And it was horrible. Because he loved and loved and loved but he was never in love, and as such, he was never loved back.  
When Janus was sixteen he met Logan. Janus’ father had just gathered up enough money to move states and Janus ended up in a new school with new people who he knew would never become his friends. He knew because they never did. Logan was amazing in every sense of the word. He had piercings in every place imaginable, and he wore leather jackets with ripped jeans, he rode a motorcycle every day to school, he was a clear choice for valedictorian and he was president of the student council, he played guitar in the school band, and he was captain of the field hockey team, he would help anyone and everyone and he was as bright as the sun. Janus made it his life’s mission to never cross his path. But as he would soon find out Logan was nothing if not persistent and Logan also had a life's mission since he met Janus, he had seen the tired look in Janus’ eyes and the way he always avoided anyone who ever walked near him, and Logan had decided, to become the best friend Janus had ever had. And no matter how hard Janus ran or how well he hid or how talented he was at avoiding people (a skill he learned after many years of practice). Logan did not give up and eventually Janus did. He never realized how long best friends spend together. Maybe it's because he never had a best friend to be together with, but regardless of why, it's still a huge change to Janus, going from always being alone to never being alone, from having a little cell where the only contact he had was his father, someone whom he called only a handful of times since they were always together, to Logan being added and then getting calls every single night, from feeling like he was alone in the world to having someone who worried about him maybe even more than they worried about themselves. Another strange occurrence was that anytime he came up in someone's conversation it would always be as "Janus and Logan" it was never just Janus, he was truly never alone, not even in other's sentences. This was something that filled him with pure unadulterated joy. He was finally, finally, not alone. And even in those dark days when a little voice in his brain tried to count down the seconds before Logan left, Janus found it surprisingly easy to take a deep breath and listen to the even smaller voice saying Logan would always stay. When Janus was sixteen his world started slowly gaining color again.

It was a snowy winter evening when Janus was seventeen that he first fell in love. He remembers when it happened like it was yesterday. Janus had gone to Logan’s house early that morning because he had promised to help Logan cut and dye his hair. He got there with no problem and saw nothing out of the ordinary. The mailbox still had an indent from where a car had crashed into it years before Janus had even met Logan, the swing in the porch was still leaning the slightest bit to the left, and the garden gnome he'd painted with Janus still had a little chip in the paint of the hair from where Logan had slammed it on the door in his excitement to put it in the yard. It was a normal day in a normal house with his normal friend. It felt great and like always Janus was ecstatic to be able to spend some time with Logan outside of school because while they may have been doing it almost everyday since they became friends, it never got old. But then again Janus would have been excited over looking at rocks as long as he was with Logan (which in hindsight should have been a much bigger flag than it ever was) so there was no surprise with how he was feeling. He arrived at the doorstep and before He could even knock Logan came out wearing a little white tie dye shirt with shorts and Janus’ heart did a little stutter at the sight. Looking back at it now he realizes that that had happened more than once before and so that had also become a normal part of his life. Logan had greeted him and immediately let Janus in so he could warm up. After a hot chocolate and a couple episodes of a show Janus had been paying no attention to Logan decided that it was time to get started so he brought a chair from the kitchen table along with some scissors and the two boxes of blue hair dye to the bathroom and sat down waiting for Janus to get started. And Janus did just that, he started cutting Logan’s hair slightly terrified until Logan yelled at him to stop cutting a millimeter at a time and to just get in there. The whole process took a lot shorter than Janus had imagined and in no time Logan was drying his freshly done hair and dragging Janus with him because he'd suddenly gotten the urge to dance. Janus, who was already quite used to Logan simply sighed and agreed, dancing for about five minutes before telling Logan that he “was tired” and “needed to catch his breath" to which Logan nodded, hummed and kept dancing. Janus took a seat on the floor a little ways apart from Logan leaving him space to dance. And it was at that moment while he watched Logan's now shoulder length navy blue hair shimmer from the golden afternoon light that peeked through the gaps in the shutters and bathed Logan in a light that might as well have been a spotlight, it was then, while Logan danced with clothes still wet from where drops of water had fallen from his hair and with his eyes closed, losing himself in the music, it was then, as he smiled so brightly and happily that he put the very sun to shame that Janus realized that perhaps he did not simply love Logan, perhaps he was in love with him.

Janus was nineteen when he got his first kiss. It was a summer with record high temperatures and the air in his university's dorm room had not been working so he went to hang out at Logan’s dorm instead. They were laying on the floor surrounded by the hundreds of thousands of succulents and books and half filled coffee mugs that littered Logan’s room, talking about the world and the stars and the planets and the universe and the little tiny infinitesimal amount of stardust that glimmers inside each and every person, something not uncommon for them to do. Logan had his hand up towards the sky as though trying but failing to grasp a world even if it was with the tip of his fingers and Janus was simply smiling and listening while he talked about one day going to another world perhaps even another galaxy. Janus loved so many parts of Logan, or, well, every part of Logan, but his favorite thing about his best friend was his imagination and his resilience, because no matter how far fetched Logan never gave up on his dreams. Suddenly Logan lowered his hand and trailed off before he completely stopped talking and looked at Janus. It was a strange look, maybe even a stare and Janus was not sure why this happened, maybe he'd not been giving enough input? But then Logan’s gaze softened and his eyes glanced at Janus' lips and maybe Janus was completely misreading the situation but from what he'd gathered from the many romance novels he'd read was that this happened right before two people kissed. And Janus definitely was not going to let that possibility get by him, so he gathered up every single last ounce of his courage and slowly, tentatively moved slightly closer towards Logan all the while not breaking his gaze from Logan's lips, giving him all the time in the world to move away, and then right when Janus’ lips were hovering over Logan’s, Logan launched forward and captured Janus’ lips in his. It was not like in the novels at all. There were no fireworks or heat or explosions or anything. Just a sense of belonging of rightness so strong and so overwhelmingly pure that Janus did it again and again and again. And not once did it feel wrong. He could feel the stardust within Logan and him shift and burn and slowly twist itself around them like an embrace deeper than he could ever dream, he could feel their stardust collide and link together, the warmth and shine making them a halo of hope. Logan also got his first boyfriend when he was nineteen.

When Janus was twenty three he said some very important words. He and Logan had gone out to dinner at the Vietnamese restaurant they had gone to since they first moved into their new apartment three years ago, in order to celebrate their anniversary. Logan had ordered his usual; gỏi cuốn, and Janus had gotten his; a plate of pho. They were enjoying their food, a little uncomfortably since they were holding hands and thus only had one available to eat with. Logan was telling Janus every single stupid pickup line that he could think of and Janus was dying of laughter at every one because sure he’d heard them before but there was something special about hearing them from his boyfriend. They finished their food after about an hour and Logan insisted on getting dessert despite the fact that they normally got some at the ice cream store beside their home. Still Janus agreed and soon enough they had a cheesecake with two spoons in front of them. Janus was absentmindedly eating the cake and looking at his boyfriend while he told a story of some kid in his biology class who tried to ask him out. He was finishing a piece of his cheesecake when his front teeth clinked on something hard and metal, he was immediately concerned and took whatever it was out of his mouth only to find a ring with small amethysts and emeralds which he knew to be his and Logan’s birthstones. He quickly looked up at his boyfriend only to find him with a hopeful look in his eyes and before he could utter a single word, Logan blurted out something Janus never thought he’d hear, “will you marry me?”. It was when Janus was twenty three that he said the most important words in his life. “Of course I will.”

Once a long long time ago Janus had thought that movies always portrayed everything as it should be. Most prominently in those portrayals was love. Movies always looked to say that sometimes you get a little sad but love will immediately solve that. The thing is that’s not true. Love was a powerful force sure, but it was not a magic remedy. It cannot get rid of those memories that haunt you from your past, it cannot make your brain stop overthinking and breaking down on itself, it cannot take away the darkness in your life. But love is still powerful. Because the power of love is not it’s existence, love is a chemical reaction, the power of love comes from the fact that it makes you want to better yourself, it makes you want to work hard in order to be strong enough to hold that power. Sometimes you can’t do it alone, and you need to be even stronger to look for people who can help you. But your love whether it be for a person, a creation, or dreams, whether it be for the sky, the bumblebees, or the trees, your love can make those days where it all seems to be crashing down, where it all seems so bleak. Those days that are just the right shade of dark, and make you just the right shade of scared, it can make those days just a teensy bit brighter, bright enough that you can see where you walk, bright enough that you can see how to leave the dark place that is your mind. Your love can be a gift. The kind of gift that seems a bit worthless until they perfectly fit your needs. And Janus knows that being in love with Logan won’t solve all her mind’s cries. Yet it is now when Janus is twenty six, as his father walked him down the aisle, gray hair bright in the sun and smile even brighter, it was now, as Janus looked at his fiancé at the other end of the aisle looking as beautiful as can be and it was now while his fiancé looked back at him with nothing but unadulterated love and joy in his eyes that Janus knows that doesn’t matter because his world is brighter than ever and he knows that Logan will be there to help him fight, tooth and nail, in order to keep it that way for as long as possible.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave me kudo! Leave me a comment!! Give me serotonin!!!
> 
> If you wanna torture yourself with my tumblr, well then here it is @[IneffableDepression](https://ineffabledepression.tumblr.com/), who am I to stop you?
> 
> Do not post my stories elsewhere without my permission! Thank you!


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